


It’s always darkest before the dawn

by ermc



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abuse, Conditioning, Deppression, Gen, Multiple Suicide Attempts, slightly AU, trigger warning: suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 05:49:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5816560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ermc/pseuds/ermc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Grant Douglas Ward had many thoughts about his death. None of it was accurate. Except he was alone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It’s always darkest before the dawn

**Author's Note:**

> This is non-beta ed. all my mistakes are mine. and mine alone. this was also brought about a sleepless night spent crying over Grant Douglas Ward. i apologize because this was my first fic in a long time and the first one i posted in here. and it is depressing as hell. i just wanted to work through my grief. yes. it has been more than a month since his death but frankly, even if it is years after, i would still be depressed about this. au because i feel like Grant and Clint and Nat will be the most adorable family ever. leave me to my headcanon okay.
> 
> also, if grant ward had been mine, he would have been far away from shield or hydra as possible.

Grant Ward  
Age: 32

 

He never thought that this was the way he was going to die. He has always thought that he would die on a mission. He always thought that he would fight tooth and nails before he allowed himself to be dead. He thought a lot of things.

At 32, at the mercy of someone he once admired but now hates, he wasn’t fighting for his life. He welcomes whatever punishment the man was doling out on him. He always thought that he would survive. After all that he has been through, he always survived. At least, after he failed to kill himself three times.

Grant Douglas Ward always thought he was going to die someday alone. He just didn’t expect to die on an alien planet. Damned blue planet more like it. He wondered if there was someone who was going to miss him. He doubts it. Grant Douglas Ward dies on a blue planet. It was poetic in its own right.

 

Grant Ward  
Age: 5

 

Grant thinks that 5 years old is too young an age to consider suicide. What does he know anyway, he is just a 5 year old contemplating committing suicide.

Grant always thought about what it would feel like to be born into someone else’s family. He would always squash the thought before it gets too far to avoid having fantasies. His reality is too real. He does not want to dream about a caring father, a loving mother, a protective older brother and a sister that is by his side. None of the things he has and it’s dangerous to dream otherwise.

 

Grant Ward  
Age: 30

 

Grant Ward thought he would always work alone. He never liked working in a team. Correction, he doesn’t like working in a team that doesn’t have Clint or Nat in it. Garrett knew this. Fury knew this. The whole of S.H.I.E.L.D. knows it. So he just can’t imagine why Garrett would throw him to the sheep. He is a wolf. He belongs with wolves and not sheep. He suspects it is a punishment Garrett is doling out for being too friendly with Clint and Nat for the past 7 years.

Turns out it was to spy on Coulson to find out how he lived. He knew that Garrett is on borrowed time, he just didn’t realize how short that time is. He has always thought that they had years, despite it being years already. Sometimes he thinks about whether Garrett really cared for him or he was just another weapon to use, then discarded after. Its times like this that he wished he was more open to Clint and Nat. He thinks they would understand. Then again Garrett saved him. He owes his life to Garrett. It was time to save him in return. No matter what it take, Even if the cost of saving John’s life was his own life. At the same time, he was relieved that there will be no bloodshed in this mission. The universe knows just how much red was in his ledger. Nat really is rubbing off on him.

 

Grant Ward  
Age: 10

 

He tried so hard to protect Thomas. He really tried so hard to be the brother and best friend that Thomas deserves. There was just one wrinkle in that plan. Christian. 

They got a little rest from Christian because he needs to study for exams and work on his college applications in his last term of junior year in high school. Grant never understood why he was so early for the applications but then again Father is pressuring him to get into Ivy League schools because he is a Ward and Wards are winners. But the rest didn’t last long.

Summer rolled too fast for Grant. Grant didn’t like summer breaks. Summer breaks means more time at home. It also means more time with Christian. He barely managed to hide the bruises and scars from the school. There was also the time he broke his ribs when Christian had beaten him for not wanting to beat on Thomas. That was a nightmare to explain to the school physician.

Grant really hated summers. But this was the summer that he really hated more than anything. He has always preferred he get the punishments Christian gave him rather than hurt Thomas, on top of the beatings and neglect he gets from his parents. This time though, Christian had managed to make Father think about sending Grant to boarding school somewhere in Europe. He used the knowledge that it would kill Grant to be away from Thomas and not protect him. Christian said that if he doesn’t throw Thomas down the well, he would make sure that Father did send him to boarding school.

So Grant threw Thomas down the well. No matter how many times he begged Christian to let Grant help Thomas now, Christian denied him and if he did help Thomas, Christian was going to throw him in the well too. Grant thought that having them together in the well sounds good at this point but he had to stop the thought. Grant was forced to grow up quickly and his strategic mind was thinking that he can’t help Thomas if he was thrown in too.

He waited a minute and Christian had gone back to the house. Grant threw Thomas the rope.

It was the first time that he wanted to kill himself because he hated himself. Grant had wanted to kill himself probably a thousand times now since he was five and the only thing stopping him was Thomas. Now, he really thinks that Thomas must hate him now. In his 10 year old mind, death was preferable to Thomas hating him.

He went up to his parent’s room and got Mother’s sleeping pills and Father’s Jack Daniels. Grant locked himself in his room and opened the Jack Daniels and swallowed all of Mother’s sleeping pills.

 

Grant Ward  
Age: 31

 

He briefly wonders if Nat or Clint knew about his betrayal. He was more afraid of what they were going to say than anything else. If there were any agents in S.H.I.E.L.D. that he was really afraid of disappointing after Garrett, it was those two. They kind sort of took him under their wing. In their line of work, they barely see each other, but when they do, 

Grant wonders if this was what many called as familial love. He never had that besides Gramzy and Thomas. Well. For a short while.

He stopped thinking about it because it was useless. He was in here for however long Coulson and his S.H.I.E.L.D. decide. He suspects it was until he keeled over.

He pitied himself at this moment. It was a new emotion and Grant really does not know how to deal with it. Here he is, imprisoned and unable to use his voice. A former agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. and hydra agent, a traitor to the people who showed him kindness and trust and he has nothing. He is a spy and was only doing his job. Sometimes, it just sucks to be him. He just could not save anyone, not John, and not Fitz.

It suddenly hits him. He could not save John Garrett. He could not save someone he considers a Father. He could not save someone he owes his life. John Garrett is dead. Grant is alive. It doesn’t take much for Grant to think about how he was going to kill himself. He was a specialist.

He took the button off his prison garb and started to sharpen it. It didn’t take long and he started slitting his own wrist.

He woke up in his cell a few days later. The lights are on. He sees Coulson on the other side of the barrier. He thinks he woke up in hell but he felt his heartbeat. Why won’t they let him die? They hate him. He was the epitome of everything that was evil and hydra.

Coulson left a few minutes later. Grant sat up and there was a bandage around his wrist. Great.

His next attempt was more difficult. They don’t give him pants with buttons anymore. He still couldn’t use his voice so when there was someone interrogating him they would bring paper and a pen. When they leave, they ask strongly for him to give the pen back. They were afraid that their prisoner would try to off himself with the pen. Ha. He doesn’t need a pen. Everybody is just forgetting what he was capable of as a specialist. He was trained by Clint and Nat on top of Garrett.

He uses the paper to slit his wrist.

He wakes up again in his cell, three days later. No one was visiting him this time.

He doesn’t do anything for about two weeks. He barely eats drinks or sleep. Grant plans to just do nothing and let the course of nature take place. He thinks that psychologists label this as depression. He couldn’t be sure.

One day, Coulson visited again. He couldn’t be sure what Coulson wanted. He didn’t bring any paper. Ha! They finally learned their lesson that everything can be made into a weapon. Grant would have used his clothes but he was sure that someone would notice if he was buck naked. If Coulson had wanted intel, Grant was not sure how that could be achieved. He was still having trouble speaking. Grant wonders whose fault was that.

Coulson just sat there saying nothing and everything. Coulson left five minutes later and he was alone in his cell again. They never turn off the lights now. Grant has really had enough. He prided himself of being patient to achieve his endgame. He wouldn’t be one of the best snipers in S.H.I.E.L.D. if he was lacking in patience. Right now, his endgame was death and he was losing his patience. Grant just lost control.

He ran at the walls. He thought about how he ruined the team. He ran at the walls faster. He thought about FitzSimmons. He ran at the walls harder. He thought about Skye. He ran with wild abandon. He thought about Clint and Nat. He ran harder, faster and shouting at the walls. He thought about John. He ran and ran at the walls.

The next time he wakes up he thinks being alive sucks ass. Fuck being alive. He thinks about why they were not letting a traitorous bastard live. He thinks it was because it would be an easy way out in their eyes. Grant Ward thinks about all the time he attempted to kill himself since he had guts enough to actually do it. It must have been a thousand times now.

Fuck being alive. Fuck living. If he was going to live in this world, he might as well be of use to someone. He thought about Skye and thinks he has a promise to keep.

 

Grant Ward  
Age: 15

 

Grant’s worst nightmare came true just a week ago. He was sent to Military School. His new Spanish teacher noticed that in a span of a month since he started teaching, Grant came to school with a broken arm, a black eye, and sprained both ankles at different times. Not to mention his broken ribs. It was just after Thanksgiving. Christian had come home for the weekend.

As it always does with Christian’s visits, Grant received another beating. Beatings were more accurate.

After Grant’s suicide attempt, he stayed away from Thomas. Mother was livid because Christian has painted the picture for her; Grant threw Thomas out of spite. Plain and simple. Grant also thought it was for the best at that time. It was only a year that he had to go through Christian making him beat Thomas before Christian had gone to College. Mother had locked Grant in the tool shed for that for a week. Lucky for Grant he stashed a food and drink supply box in the shed that he replenishes every two weeks or so. The tool shed was the place Mother locks them in for days at a time.

Thankfully, Rose was there too with her boyfriend and Gramzy too. That didn’t stop Christian pushing him down the stairs though. Christian said that he tripped on his own feet. Rose was livid. She slapped Christian and walked out with her boyfriend. Grant loves Rose. Gramzy was in her wheel chair and was visibly livid. Gramzy knew about the beatings. Grant never told her about it but she knows anyway. She couldn’t do anything because his parents are too influential for an old lady. That was what Rose said anyway.  
He broke his ribs and arm in the incident. Father paid a lot of money to the hospital he was taken to.

Grant had always liked his language classes. He picks up languages very fast. Their gardener was Spanish and was teaching him Spanish, so he took Spanish that year.  
The new teacher had not yet been briefed about the Ward children by the school. Father pays a lot of money to keep things quiet. Grant thinks its bullshit. He gets good grades so nobody ever asked why he is always covered in bruises. The new teacher notices them and asked Grant about it when he came to school after thanksgiving weekend with two black eyes. Grant remained silent. The teacher called child services and the rest was history. Grant was shipped off to Military school.

Mother was livid at Grant. She called him a worthless son and wished he has never been born. His mother wishes he swallowed every drug imaginable when she was pregnant. Grant wishes for that too. She locks him in the tool shed for two weeks. He was then shipped off to Military school.

Rose wrote him a letter saying that Thomas was in the hospital with a broken leg.

Grant didn’t read the rest of the letter. He used his very useful skill of sneaking out and hotwiring a car. He also stole his roommate’s wallet. He his own cash but it never hurts to have more. He was thankful also for his height. He looked like 18. He needs to stop at a gasoline shop at the next town. He can’t be seen in the town purchasing gasoline and stealing c4.

Grant’s destination is his house in Massachusetts.

 

Grant Ward  
Age: 23

 

Grant Ward thought Garrett was joking. Grant was supposed to be thought weapons, espionage and combat in another level. Apparently, he caught the eye of his new instructors following hell week. Garrett warned him of his new instructors and told him to remember Buddy. He would never forget about Buddy.

When he arrived at the Operations Academy’s rooftop, he found the best team in S.H.I.E.L.D. waiting for him already. STRIKE TEAM DELTA was not what he imagined them to be.

They told him to call them Clint and Nat in a conversational tone.

Clint taught him how to use the bow and arrow. Clint style. Clint also told Grant he was a shit Marksman. Grant told him to fuck off in Russian and Italian. Clint just laughed. Nat had like him immediately after that. She said that it was because he told Clint off. Apparently, no one in years told Clint off.

Grant just muttered nasty things in French. Nat laughed at his litany of insults.

Grant wonders if this was what it was like to have friends.

Garrett showed up unexpectedly when they were enjoying Nat’s Russian Vodka after training a month later after his mission. Grant instantly froze. He knew the look that John was staring him with.

Grant learned quickly to schedule his drinking out with Clint and Nat when Garrett is out of the country. He had to hide his broken ribs the next day. He failed at that. Nat quickly recognized something was wrong when he walked over to them at the roof top.

Thankfully, they didn’t push him. He said it was from a motorcycle accident when he was going home. Nothing to worry them about.

Grant was thankful that Garrett was called to be in the hub. He would have had worse if it wasn’t the case.

Grant knew he deserved the punishment. Having attachments was an obstacle to his mission.

Grant knew all this. He just needs to be smarter about this. Pretend he was gathering intel from Clint and Nat. it’s not far from the truth anyway.

Grant just wanted to pretend that he can have friends.

 

Grant Ward  
Age: 31

 

Grant worked so hard on being useful despite Coulson dealing him to Christian for good PR and some government backing. As if, that would really make Coulson’s S.H.I.E.L.D. less rogue and more legitimate.

Grant even found Skye’s Father for her. All he got for his troubles was bullet holes in his chest. Thanks Skye!

Grant has thought about his death so many times now. He attempted his hand at killing himself since he was 10. He survived all of that. After 31 years, he was going to die because of a woman he loves.

He thought it was ironic. He would die for her. Now he was dying because of her. It was so damn poetic he just has to laugh in his head.

He could get up. He had gotten up from worse over the years. He just doesn’t have the reason to anymore.

Agent 33 appeared. He found the reason. He could help her. He could help her when S.H.I.E.L.D. abandoned her. He could help her find purpose again. Maybe, by then he would found another purpose too.

 

Grant Ward  
Age: 27

 

Clint and Nat knew he was keeping tabs on Gramzy. He asked them to keep tabs for him when he had to go deep in Russia. Garrett knew nothing about this.

Grant was on the plane back when he was finally reached by Nat 3 months later. She had the unfortunate role of telling him his Gramzy died a month ago and was buried in the cemetery in Boston.

When he arrived at the airport in New York, they ushered him quickly to the car. He was surprised that they were even there. It was a year since they were in the same city. He wasn’t even debriefed yet and he could not care less about that. All he cares about right now is that Gramzy died.

He told Nat that Gramzy died thinking he abandoned them. She died thinking he didn’t love her. She probably died hating him.  
Nat just wiped his tears. He wasn’t even aware that he was crying. Clint stopped the car in front of his safe house and climbed in the backseat. Grant let them sandwich him in their hug.

He wonders if this was what it was like to be cared for.

Garrett doesn’t know about the safe house. It was at the insistence of both Clint and Nat. They said it was good to have your own safe house that your SO don’t know about. Nat was the one who found the house and purchased it with Grant’s money. An empty warehouse with a loft is more accurate. The three of them took turns in fixing it. It was their safe house. Despite what Clint and Nat said.

Nat said she bought Grant 3 days before he was due to report for debriefing when they got in the house. Grant hugged them both quickly and proceeded to lock himself in his room. He supposed it was a good thing that they never snooped in his room. He has a secret stash of alcohol and prescribed sleeping pills under his bed. He opened the Scotch first and drank straight from the bottle.

The next thing he knew he was in his bed. The first thing he sees is Nat’s glare. She tells him that he was an idiot and that if he ever think about killing himself again, she would kill him herself. Grant was impressed because he managed to say the exact same thing over and over again in 10 different languages. He joked that no one needs google translator when they have her.

All he got was a punch to his arm for his troubles.

He also explained that he wasn’t trying to kill himself. He was just trying to sleep. Clint called him an idiot.

Technically, Nat was younger than him. He calls it bull because she was super soldiered. Clint often jokes that Nat was old enough to be Grant’s Gramzy and he was not sure about having a life partner that is decades older than him. Nat always punches him in the gut for that.

Grant wonders if this is what feels like having parents.

Garrett found out about their safe house because Nat had to call it in. they were going to be very careful about the next one.

John asked Grant to train with him as soon as his sick leave was up. Grant knew he was in for a world of pain.

He was not wrong. He has lost count of how many times his ribs were broken. Message was received.

 

Grant Ward  
Age: 31

 

He tried to do well by Kara. He tried so hard. He tried so hard to help her.

He found a bit of purpose with her. He found a life with her. And he screwed it.

All Grant knew about closure was violence. In his mind, pain and fear was the only emotion that could help him achieve his closure. He thought that it would work with Kara too.

All they wanted was for Morse to admit what she did. To be accountable for her actions that led to Kara Lynn Palamas be erased and Agent 33 to be born. It was all they wanted and they would stop torturing her. They would walk away. But she wouldn’t.

Kara is dead. It was his entire fault.

He drank for three days straight in his safe house.

The fourth day he went to the pub. He called some of the agents he knew in hydra. He was going to dismantle both Hydra and Shield.

 

Grant Ward  
Age: 31

 

Grant never thought that he would be working with Coulson and the team again.

This was his lost shot at helping them. He has Kara and their endgame to go back to. He just needs to get this out of his system and be done with it.

Grant thought about his death and how he was going to die. He almost died because Jemma Simmons also had a promise to keep. She promised she would kill him. Sunil Bakshi died instead of him. He could see it in her eyes, she was sorry for not killing him and not because she killed Bakshi.

Grant understands that he brings out the worst in them. This is why this was the last time he was going to help them. Fuck them all to hell now.

 

Grant Ward  
Age: 32

 

Grant Douglas Ward. 32 years of living on earth. 32 years of constantly thinking of ways to kill himself. 32 years of being used, abused and set aside. 32 years of hell on earth. Grand Douglas Ward dies in a god damned blue planet all alone. He couldn’t even die on a planet where he was born. So damn poetic he thinks. Fuck earth he thinks. What did earth did for him. Fuck the universe too. At least he went out with a bang. In a Blue planet of hell.

**Author's Note:**

> title came from shake it out by florence + the machines


End file.
